Valentine's Day is Different Now

Valentine's Day will never quite have the same meaning to me that it once had. It used to be about cards and flowers and having a romantic evening. But that all changed seven years ago when our family lost my cousin Matthew at the young age of 24.

He was the kind of person that everyone loved - not because he was a saint or anything, but because he truly lived life to the fullest. He was fun to be around - a total charmer. He always found a way to make something boring into something fun.

Seven years ago after an evening of having perhaps too much "fun," he fell down a flight of stairs and suffered a traumatic brain injury resulting in the loss of his life. Our family, and all of his friends suffered a grave loss that Valentine's Day, and there will always be a hole in our hearts because Matthew is no longer here with us.

So for me, Valentine's Day is still about appreciating those that you love that are in your life, but in a deeper and perhaps more serious way than before. I learned that year just how short life can be, and while a busy life ensures that you can't always appreciate every single moment in your life, you can take this one day to ensure that you let those around you know just how special they are to you.

Book Recommendation

I don’t know about you, but every now and then I like to read a parenting book. This usually is brought about by some behavior change in the kids that makes me feel particularly ineffective, and I cope by turning to books in the hope that I will learn some technique that will help. I just finished Siblings Without Rivalry, which really requires no further explanation, but it had some good ideas in there.

I just received a recommendation forwarded to me from my sister, and I thought I would share it with other moms out there. It comes from a marriage and family therapist, so she has some good insight into what books are useful. I just placed my order on Amazon.

"I have recently had the pleasure of reading two of what I believe are the most important parenting books of our generation. I realize that these are strong words and I do not use them lightly - I have the unique position of sharing this information with you as not only a mom, but also a Marriage and Family Therapist who works almost exclusively with teens. In addition, I have read more than twenty odd books about parenting and child development over the course of the past ten years and these two books stand head and shoulders above the rest.

And as most of you know when I get fired up- I just want to share! Furthermore, I believe each one of you is a great mom and truly wants the best for your kids -the tools and information in these books is invaluable. Likewise, if we all operate from a greater knowledge base our children and our community will benefit.

The two books are Why Gender Matters and Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax, MD PhD. Both books address the biology that forms our children along with the practical ways that biology manifests itself Finally these books also provide strategies to work with our children's natural strengths. The information is presented in an easily digestible manner and is very well researched. Although they are nonfiction and academic in their presentations neither is a difficult read, in fact both are rather engrossing. I have found the information helpful in better understanding Greg, Stephanie and even little Nick, and invaluable in understanding some of my teen clients. I only wish I had had some of the information presented in these books earlier in both my career as a mom and LMFT.

I hope this encourages you to give these a read and provides you with some of the same insights I have received."

The Happiest Place on Earth

This Friday we are heading to Disneyland! I'm pretty sure that Matthew and I are tied for who is the most excited to go in our family. I just love Disneyland! I think we may have traumatized Kayla a little bit the last time we were there, and while she is excited to see the Princesses, she is not excited about the rides. She has stated several times in the last week or so that she will not be going on the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Matthew and Kayla have gift cards for Disneyland that they got from my parents at Christmas. We've been telling the kids that they can use it to buy whatever they want, and it's finally starting to sink in. Matthew has now decided he wants to buy a gun, a sword, and candy. Kayla says she wants a Little Mermaid toy and a Cinderella toy.

We went to Disneyland last summer, so we learned a few tips and tricks to help us survive the trip. Unfortunately the Zemans won't be with us this time, which is a bummer because that was a very fun trip! We will be hitting the park early every morning, then going home after lunch for a nap. Then we'll go back to the park in the late afternoon, and hit the wine bar at California Adventure for happy hour (I firmly believe that's the key to parent survival at Disneyland). We'll watch nighttime festivities, and then head to bed exhausted and ready to start another day at Disneyland. Along the way there will be laughter and tears - after all, you can't expect to have a trip to Disneyland without several enormous tantrums (it's just not realistic). And this time, I hope I actually get some pictures without a toddler's fingerprint on the lens to document what is hopefully one of many family trips to the Magic Kingdom. Happiest Place on Earth...here we come.

Weekend Update

We had a really busy and fun weekend. Matthew turned 5 on Thursday, and we celebrated on Saturday with a birthday party at a gymnastics place called Airborne Gymnastics. His friends from daycare came, and cousins, too. It was very fun. I can't believe he's 5 already.

Andrew and I went out on a date Saturday night, which was very fun. We had a great dinner (tasting menu with wine pairings - yummy!) and then went to the Improv (again) to see Margaret Cho. She was hilarious, but it was definitely not for the sensitive viewer. It was really raunchy. The Improv is a very fun way to spend a date night - I highly recommend it.

Gender Equality

I feel very blessed to have a husband that is truly an equal partner. We both work full time, and life can be pretty hectic. Andrew cooks, does dishes, laundry...you name it. We don't keep score, and we both pitch in whenever something needs to be done. I have never once had to ask him to help more around the house. And, it's definitely something that the kids see and recognize.

The other day, Andrew was going to be gone overnight at a conference, so I told Matthew, "You know, you are going to be the man of the house tonight. Daddy isn't going to be home tonight."

Matthew got a very serious look on his face, and says "I have to cook?" And follows up with, "That's OK, Mommy. I can cook for you if you need me to."

That one put a big smile on my face. Boy have the times changed! I'm glad to see that in the eyes of our kids, the roles of moms and dads are much less rigid and defined these days.

Happy Birthday Bree!

I love you and miss you, and hope you have a wonderful day today!

Return to the hospital

One day, about a week ago, we were in the car and the kids were being particularly obnoxious. They were fighting, and whining, and there was even some screaming. Andrew looks at me and says loudly, "well, I guess we should head to the hospital today and see if they will accept an exchange. They might have two other kids that we can take home that won't fight or whine when we ask them not to."

So, I play along for a little while until the kids start to get very nervous and upset that we might actually return them. At this point I realize that we might cause permanent damage that will require psychological counseling later on if we continue down this path. So, I explain that we are just joking and that we are not going to return them because we love them so much, even when they are misbehaving.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago...we're in the car on the way home from daycare, and Kayla is semi-crying in the car (she'd had a long day). Matthew starts talking about how she needs to go to the hospital and I can't figure out what the heck he is talking about. Finally, he says, "if she won't stop crying we are going to take her back for a new kid." Oh great. What did we start?

And now it's a source of great amusement for the kids because every time one of them is acting up in the car or at home, the other will shake their head and say, "I guess we are going to have to take you back to the hospital now." Or as Kayla says, "Ma-yoo, you go hostpal now." They think it's very funny when they say it to the other, but not so much when it is said to them.

So, I suppose you have to be careful what you start, as we seem to have given them a new way to bug the heck out of each other.

Last night Andrew and I went out for a date to the San Jose Improv.  Eddie Griffin was performing - he was in the TV series Malcom & Eddie, and a bunch of movies, including Deuce Bigalow.  We had so much fun!  We usually go to dinner and movie, so it was great to mix it up a bit.  Eddie was pretty funny, but he used the N-word and Mother F-er at least twice in every sentence.  I'm not sensitive to that kind of stuff, but it does start to get a little confusing when every noun in a sentence is one of those two words.  It was definitely something we will do again - laughter is really great for the soul.  

A random funny...  Tonight in the car we were talking about Star Wars with Matthew.  He has tons of questions about everything in the movie, including "why is Chewbacca good?" and "why does Darth Vader talk funny," and so on.  He's never seen the movie, and won't for a while but he loves to ask questions about all the movies he hasn't seen.  Near the end of the conversation, Matthew says, "do you want to know which guys I like the best in the movie?"  We say yes, and Matthew responds with, "the white guys."  Andrew and I look at each other both thinking in our minds, "did our son just say a racist remark?"  I mean, I like Han and Luke too, but not just because they're white!  Then Matthew asks why the white guys wear masks, and then it hits us...ahhhh, he's talking about the storm troopers.  Phew...that was a parental relief.  

Full Blown Potty Training

After Kayla's success on the potty last week, we (her teachers and us) decided it was time to move to underwear. Kayla is so excited to be a big girl! We bought princess and Tinkerbell underwear for her, and she has been doing so great. She had two accidents the first day, one the next two days, and none yesterday. No poop in the pants either - only wet. She even is keeping dry at night with her overnight diaper, which is a shock to me. She wakes up in the night and wants to use the potty. The cynic in me is starting to get nervous that this is all going a little too well.

Funny thing about the youngest kid potty training...it makes me a little sad. With the first you're usually just eager to get one kid out of diapers, but with the second (most likely the last)...you just realize how very fast they are growing up.

Potty Talk

Hallelujah! Kayla pooped in the potty last night for the first time. I'm not sure who was more excited...me or Kayla. Why would I be so excited by this you ask? Well, let's just say that potty training her brother Matthew was not easy. Actually, it was just plain difficult. So, I am thrilled that Kayla is making progress and more importantly is motivated. I actually have a very funny story about potty training Matthew, but I must warn those that are sensitive to potty talk to stop reading now.

So, Matthew had a lot of trouble learning to poop in the toilet. He hated it. He would wait until the last possible minute (sometimes holding it for multiple days), and then he would go to his room and poop in his pants. Not fun. Especially since the toilet is literally 5 feet from his room. We tried absolutely every technique known to man to try and motivate and encourage him, but nothing seemed to work. It was a frustrating time for us all.

Anyway, on weekends we would have Matthew run around naked. He couldn't poop in his underwear if he wasn't wearing any, right? Matthew hadn't gone for a few days, and this particular morning we knew a number 2 would be inevitable. Matthew went poop on the potty, and we were thrilled. But, remember how I said he would hold it for multiple days? That usually meant that when he finally got around to going, one poop for the day would not be enough.

Sure enough about 15 minutes later, Matthew got a very anxious look on his face, and made a little noise that meant he was really worried. Andrew and I exchange glances, and like the superhero that he is, Andrew grabs our son, lifts him up by the waist, and slings his body over his shoulders for the mad dash to the toilet. Keep in mind that Matthew is not wearing anything on his bottom half, which is pointing directly up to the ceiling as they make their way to the bathroom.

If you have ever seen a prairie dog poke its little head out of a hole in the ground, then you can visualize what happened next. Poop comes out of Matthew and plops on the hardwood floor in the hallway, just as Andrew is taking his next step. Andrew steps on the poop, does a Charlie Brown maneuver, and his feet fly out from under him. Luckily Matthew lands on top of Andrew, who unfortunately landed in the poop. It was like a perfectly choreographed scene in some hilariously gross movie. I still can't help but laugh out loud when I picture it. Luckily Andrew has a great sense of humor, too. I think the only one who wasn't laughing was Matthew. Poor guy.

Ah, the adventures of parenting...